Thursday, August 10, 2006

6 More Days Till FIOS

Comcast is blowing it worse than a Vegas hooker on a slow night.

Ok, IVR's are annoying enough, but IVR"s that force you to do IVR troubleshooting are even worse. The only way to make them even *more* annoying would be to make them a voice-response IVR. Oh wait ... they did.

Their tech was a no-show. This makes 2 days of waiting and 6 contacts - SIX ! to get a modem replaced. Today's was great; the guy tried to troubleshoot me again. I told him I was still waiting for the tech to come out and replace my modem, and he tried to troubleshoot me again. I'm sorry, but I can tell when the physical layer is down. No link is no link, and it ain't got shit to do with whether I use Windows XP or Windows 2000 or OpenBSD.

"But what if they get out there and it's not the modem ? " he asks.
"It's the modem" I repeat [ this after explaining the troubleshooting process I used].
"But what if it's not the modem" he probes again.
"Dude, I've built some pretty sizable IP networks, I can troubleshoot. It's the modem."
"But I'm just saying, what if it isn't ? "
"Then I repeat 6 years of school and question the past 8 years of my career."
"Ok, well he's supposed to be there between 12:30 and 4:30, so sit tight a bit. Here's a phone number you can call to check on his status, but if you call before the window closes they'll just tell you to wait until 4:30 and call back."
He gives me a phone number.

2 hours later, it's now 5:01 ... I call the number I was given. The guy looks me up. Asks me my zip. Says "Sir, it looks like you're in so-and-so state ? " "Right" "Well we're in Tallahasee. I think you were given the wrong number".

So I call the 800 number again. Guy asks what the problem is, I tell him their tech was supposed to be out here between 12:30 and 4;30 and was a no-show. I'm expecting him to say "Ok let me contact him." Oh no... what does asshole do ?

"What are the lights on your modem right now"
"Excuse me ? "
"What lights are on on your modem now ? "
"Dude that's beside the point. I'm not going through that shit again. I didn't call to troubleshoot my service , I called because your tech was supposed to be here and wasn't. That's what you need to be troubleshooting."

[Hold for 10 minutes, fortunately I'm keying all of this in to occupy the time. Shit, I really have to get that phone recorder hooked up; this would make classic audio.]

"Ok sir, here's a number you can call to check on the tech if he's running a little bit late. "
Gives me same wrong number as last guy.
"I just called that number and it goes to Tallahasee [sp?] Florida. "
[ still holding ... ]

Oh motherflickr, I got dumped out into a new queue.

"Comcast can I help you"
"Oh dude, you got screwed. The last guy I just spoke to just dumped me back into the queue. " "NO worries, I get the feeling this is going to be like a 7 minute call "

ok, now I'm really intrigued. Did I finally find the man ? The one dude with the experience and brains to go "let me call the guy on his cellphone ? " ....

After going through the 5 minute authentication again (which mostly consists of repeating information from their database that you can hear them murmuring to themselves anyhow) the guy says:

"oh here's why we can't find you by phone number; the area code got blanked out. I'll transfer you to billing after we're done".
"Seriously ? Can't you just put a note in there for billing to clean up their own CRM ? Do I really have to spend more time on the phone ? "

Stay tuned for more tragic customer service.


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